I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Randomize
