I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
