Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
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