you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
Randomize
