She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
