she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Randomize
