Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Randomize
