A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Randomize
