Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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