I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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