Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Don't be a dummy cum on the tummy. Make her a slut, and cum in her butt. Have no fear, jizz in her ear. Don't be a noob, cum on her boob. Forget her rack, blow on her back. Just take off your coat and jizz in her throat. And if she seals off her holes, cum in her rolls
is that a poem?!
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
