My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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