I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
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