she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
I use my feet as sexual weapons
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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