At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
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