i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Randomize
