Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
I'm just crazy horny about you
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
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