We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
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