our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
My dick has a subreddit
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Randomize
