Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
