Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Randomize
