Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
Randomize
