i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
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