I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
i need some magic done to my vagina
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
