epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Rumble strips road head = magical
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
