So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
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He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
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I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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