I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Too much gin, very little bucket
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Randomize
