my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
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