those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
