So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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