I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Randomize
