Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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