i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
