Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
Randomize
