just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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