Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
