She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
