i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
