I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
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