Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
