Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
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I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
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Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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