Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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