You made me cry and you don't even care
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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