I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Randomize
