Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
