shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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