Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
