Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Randomize
