My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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