I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Randomize
