is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
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