Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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