one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
