walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Randomize
