I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Randomize
