I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
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