i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
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