You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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