so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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