I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
