All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
